Asia

India

EU-India Free Trade: 

“Volkswagen Shocked to Learn That Taxes Are for Everyone, Not Just the Poor”

The EU and India are rushing to seal a historic free trade deal, promising big profits for corporations and the usual “trust us, it’ll trickle down” speech for everyone else. Meanwhile, Volkswagen just got a $1.4 billion wake-up call from India for dodging import duties – because apparently, “free trade” doesn’t mean “free from paying your f**ing taxes.”*

VW executives are reportedly freaking out over the idea that they might actually have to contribute to society like the peasants they exploit. One insider was heard screaming:
“We don’t PAY taxes, we LOBBY to make them disappear!”

Indian officials, however, remained firm:
“If you want to do business here, at least take us out to dinner before you screw us.”

While EU leaders toast to “economic cooperation,” Volkswagen is scrambling to figure out if they can write off tax fraud as a business expense. Meanwhile, actual workers are still waiting for the moment when “free trade” means anything other than corporations getting richer while they get shafted.

Back to you in the studio, where we’re checking if breathing air is now subject to a corporate “usage fee.

Indonesia

In Indonesia, consensual kissing is perfectly legal—as long as at least one person involved has a vagina. (Cue Cartman soundbite: “Niiice.”)

To show solidarity with these poor souls, I have decided to let my wife beat me with a belt—of course, only when I have impure thoughts. You know, to cleanse my moral filth the conservative way.

While in Aceh, 80 lashes are handed out for something as scandalous as “liking someone the wrong way,” I now wonder: Would seven lashes at home be enough? Or do I need the full conservative experience for true spiritual purity?

I’ll keep you updated—if I can still sit down tomorrow.

Afrika

US Cuts Aid to Africa – Because Who Needs Food When You Have Democracy?”

The United States has announced massive cuts to its aid programs in Africa, citing “democratic backsliding” as the reason. (Tagesschau) Translation: “We don’t like your politics, so enjoy starving.”

Hunger? Sorry, No Budget for That

For years, USAID provided funding for health programs, food security, and education across African nations. But now, Washington has decided that since some governments aren’t behaving the way the U.S. wants, millions of ordinary people can just go ahead and suffer.

A U.S. official explained:
“Democracy is important. And if you don’t practice it correctly, we’ll make sure your hospitals and food programs collapse. That’ll teach you!”

Weapons? No Problem!

Oddly enough, while humanitarian aid is being slashed, the U.S. continues to send weapons and military training to several African countries. A political analyst commented:
“Apparently, democracy is optional when it comes to arms deals. Hungry people? No aid. Armies? Unlimited budget!”

Conclusion: Starve Now, Democratize Later

While the aid cuts will mostly harm the poorest and most vulnerable people, U.S. politicians remain confident that with enough suffering, democracy will magically flourish.

Back to you in the studio, where we’re checking if Washington would also cut our salaries for “not being democratic enough.”

America

USA

Trump to Ukraine: No Minerals, No Missiles – But Here’s a Free Lecture on World War III”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The U.S. and Ukraine were this close to sealing a deal: rare-earth minerals in exchange for security guarantees. Then Donald Trump barged in and torpedoed the whole thing faster than one of his failed casinos.

Why? Because Zelensky had the absolute nerve to ask for “actual security” instead of a handshake and a thumbs-up. Trump, deeply offended that someone expected him to follow through on something, stormed out and declared that Ukraine was “pushing the world toward World War III.”

A bold claim, considering that at this very moment, the U.S. is threatening Canada, fantasizing about buying Greenland like it’s on Facebook Marketplace, and picking random fights with Panama because someone reminded Trump that the canal exists.

“You Want Security? Try Buying a MAGA Hat!”

According to White House insiders, Trump was shocked that Ukraine wanted actual commitments.
“Why would we give security? That sounds expensive. Have you tried thoughts and prayers?”

Meanwhile, J.D. Vance, trying his best to sound like a wise elder statesman, dropped his now-legendary line:
“Have you even said thank you once?” – Because, obviously, begging for survival should come with a handwritten apology and a fruit basket.

Historical Flashback: Wait, Did Poland “Start” World War II?

By Trump’s logic, any country that resists invasion is “provoking” war. So technically, Poland caused World War II by rudely existing in 1939.
Funny, that’s not what my history teachers drilled into me. And believe me, as a German, I paid extra attention in that chapter.”

South America

BRASILIA/WASHINGTON – Just when Latin America thought it was making progress in fighting corruption, bribery, backroom deals, and offshore accounts are making a glorious comeback – and they have a powerful cheerleader: Donald Trump. (NZZ)

Bribery is Back, Baby!

Under Trump’s influence, authoritarian leaders and corrupt elites across Latin America feel safer than ever stuffing their pockets with public money. One Brazilian businessman, seen driving his brand-new Lamborghini made entirely of taxpayer tears, commented:
“Before, we had to be sneaky about corruption. Now? We just call it ‘business efficiency’ and move on!”

Trump: The Patron Saint of “Bigly” Corruption

While the U.S. once at least pretended to care about democracy in Latin America, Trump made it clear that as long as leaders are sufficiently right-wing, anti-immigrant, and open to shady deals, they can loot their countries as much as they want.

A former Latin American minister, now living in a luxury villa far from his bankrupt homeland, summed it up:
“Under Trump, stealing public funds felt less like a crime and more like an investment opportunity.”

Meanwhile, Regular People Get Screwed

While elites party in tax havens, ordinary Latin Americans continue to deal with broken hospitals, collapsing infrastructure, and politicians who suddenly “disappear” when asked about missing funds. Experts warn that this could lead to… well, the exact same cycles of crisis that have plagued the region for decades.

Europe

Freedom of Speech or Selective Silence

MUNICH/WASHINGTON – U.S. Senator and self-proclaimed free speech savior J.D. Vance waddled onto a stage in Munich to declare that Europe has a ‘serious problem’ with free speech. Yeah, because nothing says censorship crisis like standing in front of cameras, on a stage, with a microphone, and having your speech broadcasted globally.

But the real comedy came days later when the White House decided to boot several critical journalists from press briefings – including German reporters, who were presumably just too European to grasp the delicate art of “American-style free speech” (which apparently means talk all you want, but if we don’t like it, GTFO). When asked if this aligned with his Munich monologue, Vance disappeared faster than a lobbyist’s morals, leaving behind nothing but a copy of the U.S. Constitution – oddly missing the First Amendment, probably because it fell out somewhere between “hypocrisy” and “selective outrage.”

“WHO Warns of Health Crisis in Europe – Politicians Too Busy Having Lunch with the Sugar and Booze Lobby”

EUROPE – The World Health Organization (WHO) is warning of an escalating health crisis in Europe, with rising rates of obesity, alcohol abuse, and preventable diseases. (DLF) Meanwhile, European conservative politicians are too busy securing cushy jobs with the alcohol and sugar industry to care.

A WHO official pleaded:
“We need urgent action to fight these health issues!”

A European politician, adjusting his silk tie after a five-course lunch sponsored by a major liquor brand, responded:
“Absolutely. We propose an urgent new strategy: Blaming young people and immigrants.”

When Beer is Cheaper Than Water

In Germany, where a liter of beer often costs less than bottled water, health advocates have suggested making alcohol less accessible. Politicians quickly dismissed the idea, with one lawmaker stating:
“If Germans stop drinking beer, the entire economy might collapse. Do you WANT another recession?”

Meanwhile, sugary drink manufacturers continue to flood the market, ensuring that the only thing increasing faster than diabetes rates are their profit margins.